When you get the diagnosis there are a lot of things your doctors are going to tell you. Clinical information aside, I’ve gotten advice on coping with negative emotions, taking time to care for myself and all that jazz.
The thing is, those aren’t the feeling that hit me like a tsunami. Yes, there was the initial flow of panic, but that ebbed as we got more information and made a plan. I know what I need to do now.
The feeling that have driven me mad, the ones that keep me up, they’re not about my fear of dying. They’re my fear of not living. I’ve wasted so much time doing the same things over and over again. Wasting time on endless cycles of repetition, micro and macro.
I know I’m going to die, everything alive eventually does. Entropy is law. (That sounds pretentious I know) but the need to do, to create, that’s what has been driving me mad.
Don’t know if that’s normal, or it’s just a me thing?